My mom’s going to China with her extended family for the next 11 days…it’s the second such trip for her and the Halim family in a year, I think. I spoke with her on the phone while she was on the way to the airport yesterday, and…*sigh* I will miss her.
I know it seems a little funny. I mean, we’re already half the world apart since I came back to Toronto in December! But this semester, we’ve started Skyping (and now Skype has video-call function). So we’ve been ‘seeing’ each other more. And especially the last 4-6 weeks or so, we’ve been talking a lot more.
Growing up, my mom has always been my number one confidante, spiritual mentor and Rock of Gibaltrar. Though we have our differences and misunderstandings, I have always, always benefitted from her endless patience, gentle understanding and deep wisdom. Whenever I brought her my troubles in school, be it with friends, work, teachers or extra-curricular activities, she always listened intently, offered sound and comprehensive analyis, wiped away my tears, and encouraged me to believe in myself. She also always ended those talks with a challenge for me…a challenge to forgive those who had hurt me, to love those I find unlovable, and to try and be Christ to them even as they are still hurting me.
In her whole life, my mother has lived those principles herself. I have, many times, watched my wonderful mother being maligned, the subject of malicious gossip and misunderstanding. In order to protect others whose good name she would ruin in order to defend herself, she chose to remain silent, ever believing that if she remained faithful to God, He will be faithful to her. And He has been…time and again, she emerged from such ordeals triumphant not because she fought, but because she loved. And I saw for myself the truth of her words, that if we choose to be faithful and loving, God will take care of justice in His own perfect and compassionate way.
In the last few weeks, I again benefitted from my mother’s wisdom and counsel. Though now when we talk, it feels a little different. I feel more like an equal now, as she treats me as one. Her ocean of experience and wisdom far exceeds my own, and yet in her humility she respects my opinions when I disagree with her, even going so far as to encourage me to ‘take flight’ and not be held back by the fact that she doesn’t agree with me. Her faith in me has always been what made me grow wings. Even now (and perhaps ever after), my heart leaps with joy and confidence whenever she expresses her trust and faith in me, especially after we’ve had a disagreement in opinions.
Like the rest of us, my mom is very human, and also very flawed in so many ways. But she has shown me by example that we do not need to be perfect in order to inspire, that we can be broken and yet joyful, hurt and still strong. “Abide in Jesus” she frequently exhorts me…”Love, always use God’s love in every situation you’re in” she reminds me.
Mom, I always feel that I’m so much weaker than you, so impatient and stubborn. Despite your frequent affirmations, sometimes I can’t help feeling that you think too highly of this silly daughter of yours. But I now understand that it’s ok that I’m hopelessly flawed. I can still make a difference, like you have, if I allow myself to be pruned. Something so worthwhile does not come easily, but it is possible.
I’m so proud to have you as my mother. So honoured and humbled that God has seen fit to give me such a brilliant role model in my very own home. I don’t know how to be as good a daughter to you as you have been a mother to me. I think it’s quite impossible. But with God’s help, I will try. Because you deserve nothing less!
Journey of the Heart 