There’s nothing like jet-lag to get a girl’s mind wandering at 4a.m. Following the path my wayward mind has decided to lead me on, I returned once again to the conundrum that’s been plaguing the back of my mind increasingly often lately. Where do I belong?
Sometimes I tell myself it’s not a big deal, this question of belonging to either Canada or Singapore. Citizenship is just a ‘technicality’ afterall, isn’t it? Then why is it everytime I return to Singapore I feel a strange mix of feelings when I go through immigration and the officer reminds me that the maximum I can stay is 30 days? It feels even stranger to have to renew my visitor’s pass when the 30 days are up. I’ve been resorting to crossing the border or taking a short trip to Indonesia instead… less hassle and at least I’m not just travelling to SIR.
Yes, immigration always puts a damper on my sense of returning ‘home’… I have less status in Singapore than a foreign student on an education visa or an expatriate on a work permit. And yet, this is ‘home’.
Enling mentioned that this time round I don’t seem to have missed Singapore that much. We-ell… maybe so. I certainly miss those I love in Singapore. But at the same time, there’s a part of my heart that feels increasingly anchored in Toronto partially because of the sudden growth and friendship I’ve experienced there recently. I have come to enjoy shuttling between the two worlds, enjoying two different existences. At this moment it is hard to imagine not being able to live in either place.
I know that at the end of summer I will be sad to leave Singapore as I always am. But right now I’m missing Toronto. Missing Spring. Missing my cosy apartment where I know where everything is. Missing the wonderful times I had there this past semester…
Journey of the Heart 
Hey Ann… Just random thoughts from the resident “busy-body”…
Other than the physical impossibility of you having an igloo in Singapore or Toronto, I think there’s nothing wrong with saying that both countries have your igloos. It’s not like eskimos (or penguins) can’t travel between igloos anyways, and you’ve been perfectly capable of maintaining a healthy existence in both worlds.
It’s a weird thing, this sense of wanting to belong somewhere, and even needing to belong to one place. It somehow sounds like the moral thing to do, and sounds logical too. Maybe it even makes you feel more secure. But since when was it the rule? I hate bringing up the globalisation argument, but hey, the world is getting smaller. People are travelling more with much greater ease. Staying in any place for a significant period of time will inevitably foster a sense of attachment, especially so when the stay is enjoyable.
Haha… I think i’m sounding very unpatriotic. Shall end abruptly here.
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Dear resident “busy-body,”
Your random thoughts certainly seem like an invitation to continue my own inane musings! :P
I agree that there’s no ‘rule’ that says we have to ‘belong’ somewhere…I guess i’m just a person to whom a sense of belonging as well as a sense of mission is very much a part of who I am. I don’t have ready answers to either, and that is why I feel that I am still exploring, still searching.
I’m totally alright with the fact that I may be searching all my life. After all, becoming is an integral part of being. But being someone who loves to mull and think and wonder about my life, I think I’ll always be musing.
By the way, may I say that the logical/reasonal investigator in you really came through in your comment! :P
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