I feel it again. The Toronto-tug. The last time I was aware of this feeling was May 29 (when I made my “T.O. Gal” blog post). This time though, I’m feeling it while in Singapore. Kind of unsettling…maybe because I don’t know what to make of it.
Since the day I arrived, people have been asking me what I would like to eat while I’m back…and I don’t have an answer. I thought really hard about it yesterday, asking Zibin to list all the Singaporean fare I like. And, as I thought about it, there wasn’t really anything I particularly craved. In fact, I could leave again without having tasted any particular one without regret. In fact, as the conversation went on, I found that I was telling Zibin about the food in Koreantown in Toronto which he’s never tasted (yep, we used to be all too lazy to walk all the way to Koreantown). He’s never tasted Kum Ja Tang, or Soon Tofu in Koreantown. Not sure if John has, either… I had a gourmet roast beef sandwich at the Raffles Country Club yesterday, and I found myself waxing lyrical about the quality of sandwiches in Toronto. (The $5 grilled vegetable panini and avocado pita club from Arbor Room rule!)
Because of the rainy season, I hadn’t been able to go swimming till yesterday. Zibin said the pool water was cold…which, I suppose, it kind of was. But it was relatively warm compared to the sometimes frigid water of the Hart House pool. And I knew I was crazy, because I was actually thinking of the frigid HH pool with affection. I suppose all the memories associated with it (John’s whining at me dragging him to the pool for Aquafit lessons in the past, the fun moments I’ve been having there with Huixuan this semester) had a role to play. Still…
And then, there’s the snow…or lack thereof, here. It’s never bothered me before because I still get a lot of it in Toronto…and as winter drags on, I long for spring like any red-blooded mortal. But today as I was waiting for the MRT to meet my mom, the song Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening that Huijun sent me started playing on my nano. And though I’ve heard it a few times before, this time it got to me. Suddenly, the song painted a vivid picture: one of barren ebony coloured trunks and branches bearing the weight of freshly fallen white snow…of a quiet wintry night with tiny clusters of delicate frozen crystals floating down from the heavens. And then I was remembering…how those snow flakes looked as they gathered on my window-sill…how they looked on my glove when I held them up close for examination. And I recalled in my mind how Queen’s Park looked those times I crossed it on a winter night or early winter morning. And then, in the middle of a crowded train in tropical Singapore, I missed snow. Not just any snow though…Toronto snow.
I happen to know a few people who miss Toronto with a vengeance…Zibin, John and Yinwei are ones who have very recently expressed that sentiment. But they’re back in Singapore for good! It makes sense that they miss Toronto. I’m only back for a short visit…why do I miss Toronto already? I don’t know the answer…or if there is an answer. If there is, I don’t know if I need to or wish to know the answer. If home is where the heart is, then I don’t think my heart can decide where home is right now.
I know I will come back to Singapore in the near future because this is where Zibin is, and where my family is. And I want to be with them. Singapore is woven into the fabric of my being…it will always be a big part of what defines me. Yet, it never felt completely ‘home’ to me. Toronto is in many ways foreign to me still…and at times, distant. Sometimes, the time I spend in Toronto seems to be a fantasy, or a dream. But, despite knowing that this ‘dream’ will end, I can’t help falling in love with it. I don’t think I can ever feel fully complete in Toronto either, but it has become almost as much a part of me as Singapore is.
Ah well. (Remembering what Morrie from Tuesdays With Morrie said…) Now that I’ve indulged in this sentiment, maybe I can detach from it, and fully immerse myself in Singapore life for the time I have remaining here this year. :)
Journey of the Heart 