Inner struggle

I read with interest a journal entry I made about a year and a half ago. And I am reminded that dealing with my ego is a long standing lesson. *rueful* heh. And I realize that then, as in now, God’s message to me is still the same. Now that enough time and healing has passed that the entry does not stir any passion in me, I wish to share this snapshot of my internal struggle with you.

‘Righteousness’

Or is it self-righteousness? Time and again I feel overwhelmed by how wrong others are, about all the problems they have, and I feel frustrated and angry that they think they’re right. I get so mad that I would even wish they be proven wrong, exposed, in a dramatic way so that I am shown to be in the right.

Thinking of how well they think they are doing, or how right they think their actions are make my blood boil. And I can feel no sympathy or love. Only hatred. Anger. Disbelief.

I know my task is to look within myself. Not burn against the sins of others. But I always slip up and find myself thinking, “How dare they?!”

I feel as if my dignity has been outraged. My ego and pride trampled upon, and that I need somehow to stand up against them. And thus do I lose sight of the deepest truth – the only truth I need to heed. GOD LOVES ME.

If I can lose myself in that truth, then I will become one with God’s love. There will be no “I” that feels violated or wronged – only the I that lives and breathes God’s being and love. Right and wrong according to how it impacts me melt away. And I will be able to be genuinely loving and compassionate.

I am so far from that. I still get upset. Angry. Vengeful. Help me Lord, to bless them. To forget myself. To be one with You in heart and mind.

Amen.

I recall how torn I felt back then – torn between the need to acknowledge my anger, grief, and instinctive thirst for vengeance, and the desire to walk into the light of healing, love, and forgiveness. I knew it would take time, that I had a natural progression of mourning to go through, but in my impatience I had wished I could just be ok immediately.

That particular episode of my life is now in the past. But as I read that journal entry, I know in my heart that the life lesson that God had used that episode to teach me has not ended. In the time I have ahead of me, there will be plenty of opportunities to be wronged, misjudged and condemned. Perhaps by the ones I love the most in the world. And the anguish and outrage would be so much more than what I went through a year and a half ago. Will I be able to rise to the challenge?

**********
My direction is set. Let the storms come. The Lord my God is my strength.

Categories: Faith & Spiritual

2 replies »

  1. i rem how it was a year and half ago, for u and for me, i feel emotional reading this, but i can’t describe what exactly i am feeling..
    hugz big dot,
    for all the lessons learnt and to be learnt
    love ya lots!

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