To my First Love

You set my heart ablaze with Your love.

I stand before You with my head bowed in shame for having broken another promise, for having failed another test. I feel broken, weak, and helpless against the onslaught of things that are beyond my control. But most of all, I feel defeated by my human weakness.

Oh how boldly I dare to speak at times about my beliefs. But then I feel like a hypocrite when I myself fall. Something in me taunts me with my unworthiness,“You’re pathetic. You pretend to be better but you’re worse than anyone else. You are a fraud.” I feel all strength drain from me as I wince from the sharp pain of that jab. I dare not look at You.

Why do I try so hard when it’s so easy to fail? Why do I have such lofty ideals when my base nature drags me down at every turn? So many secrets I’ve been keeping inside me because they are deep, dark, and ugly. I don’t want anybody to know of them because I am ashamed, and because I don’t wish to acknowledge them myself. I try to shut out the voice in my head to no avail. I am a fraud, an imposter. I suck. I want to run away from everything and everyone. I want to be left alone!

But even in these darkest moments, with angry and fearful voices crowding my head, there is a stillness in my heart. An oasis of silence that waits for me to remember its presence. That silence is full of tenderness and peace. That silence is You.

You are the reason I can never completely give in to despair no matter how awful I feel about myself or anything going on in my life. Because in the silence of my heart, I remember that the only truth that matters is… You love me. I don’t know why You do, because I am a pathetic loser in so many ways. But You do. You love me. And because You love me, I have become worthy. Not by anything I can do, but because of Your love, I have value.

You astound me with Your displays of affection. You send me signs – secret messages of love that nobody else seems to see but which cause my heart to explode with joy. Unmistakable is Your hand in my life. How can I but hear loud and clear Your ardent profession of love? See how I love you. I am always with you.

Nothing in my life has changed. And yet everything is different. You have filled me with joy and hope. Oh but for Your love, how would I be able to live this life? How would I be able to do anything at all? For I am so full of hurt, confusion, frustration, fear, conceit and weakness. How would I ever be able to respond to betrayal with forgiveness? To meet misunderstanding with understanding? How would I have even a breath of a chance to change the unchangeable?

I look into my life and I can see so much pain. There is much I want to ignore, Lord, because I fear that it will break me. But I cannot say no to You, because You are Life. And I know You’ve shown me the direction You wish me to go in. I am terrified of how much hurt could be unleashed if I go where You point. Yet You’ve taken the trouble to remind me that You will lead me one step at a time.

My sweet Lord, how I wish every one in the world would know how wonderful You are! For You are beyond what any language can describe. If only they would open their hearts to You… if only they would realize what was waiting for them in Your arms.

I am less than nothing. And yet the King of Kings has made me His beloved, and co-heir to God’s kingdom. For this love, there is nothing I will deny Him. God help me to keep this promise to You! For I am so afraid of pain, and I am terrified of what following You might entail! But I desire to surrender to You. Please. Take away everything else in me until all that is left is the ability to say Amen. Your will be done.

Because I love You too, You know. As poorly as I show it, as negligent and unfaithful as I am, I love You too. And I want to spend the rest of my life, unto eternity, loving You in return.

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