Journal: When I'm afraid to say, "Your will be done."

10:08 a.m. Friday, August 7, 2009

I believe this repeated influx of self-doubt is pruning me. This morning I felt God tell me to remember how, at this moment, I am afraid to truly mean “Your will be done” because I was afraid His will is for me to complete my PhD. But the reason he wants me to remember this moment is so that I can have greater compassion and empathy for others who find it difficult to trust God, for it can indeed be very hard, even when we are already deeply committed to him and really want to love and serve him.

Indeed, God loves and takes me as I am – whether scared and doubtful, or full of joy and faith. This is where I am now, and I realize it is also a beautiful lesson to learn to be at peace with the fact that I am not at peace. Even in the present situation, I can honestly say – “Your will be done Lord, if I am meant to go through this present suffering of doubting my own faith and love for You.”

God always calls me to the present – and in the here and now, what He’s asking me to let go of is this anxiety of being able to do His will. ha ha… Letting go of not being able to let go. THAT is my present lesson, and perhaps that’s all I need to do…


2:29 p.m.

I received a call out of the blue just now. I’ve been invited to serve in a very meaningful project – and I was recommended for the task by someone I esteem very highly (what an affirmation this is!). This would be a deeply spiritual project, and I would have access to what I consider to be a treasure trove of spiritual wisdom.

Considering my aversion for completing my PhD, it is ironic that for this project I would have tons of material to read, and I would need to write and edit a lot. But the difference is – I WANT to do this, I’m EXCITED about doing this! :)

Recently I’ve been given several verses meant exactly for me (below). Now I see how wonderfully God speaks and how surprisingly He can reveal His will…

Isa 55:8-9 “My thoughts,” says the LORD, “are not like yours, and my ways are different from yours. As high as the heavens are above the earth, so high are my ways and thoughts above yours.” (TEV)

Jer 33:3 “Call to me and I will answer you; I will tell you great secrets of which you know nothing.” (NJB)

Dan 10:19 “God loves you, so don’t let anything worry you or frighten you.” (TEV)

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