Dear Mary,
I don’t feel like calling you ‘Mother’ today. (I like to think that you don’t mind that.) In the past, I feel that our relationship has been so stilted and formal precisely because I’ve only thought of you as ‘Mother’ and ‘Queen’. Not that those are bad things, but you know, those terms can carry a lot of baggage. I’ve been trained to think of ‘mother’ in a certain way, and certainly ‘queen’ does not feel exactly… accessible.
And to be honest, I didn’t really like the big fuss that is often made about you. I already knew Jesus and had started a personal relationship with him. If your role is really to bring people to your Son, then, I didn’t really need you in my life, did I? Since I befriended Him first? Besides, it seemed to me that the people who loved you practiced a lot of devotions to you, and you know, I’m just not a devotional kind of person. I’ve tried before… and I never could get into praying the rosary regularly. So I thought that maybe, you and I are just not meant to be.
But then, Jesus surprised me. I found that He drew my thoughts to you more and more often as I continued my walk with him. It almost seemed like he wanted to include you in my relationship with him. When I asked him why, he answered simply, “I love you both, and I would love for the two of you to know each other.” So I thought, OK, I’ll give it a try… but I wasn’t confident how well it’d go. In obedience and out of love for Jesus, I decided to try and open my heart to you more.
I have not changed in my disinclination towards popular devotions to you. Yet, you have become more and more present in my consciousness. And though I have never counted myself as one of your devotees, I find myself often speaking about you in unplanned circumstances and sharing about my relationship with you to others and in so doing, helping them encounter you! I would say this is strange, but then again we both know what a funny sense of humour God has…
You know, a little over five years ago, I threw out everything I ever thought I knew about God because I realised that I didn’t really know Him. And the lots of things I knew about Him had gotten in the way of me growing in intimacy with Him. I asked God to show me who He is. Since then, I feel that I know less the more He reveals of Himself… and the more He reveals Himself, the more I see how far I am from knowing Him, and how handicapped I am in loving Him.
So… you know how I said I had felt I didn’t need your help because I already knew Jesus? Well, I’ve come a way since then, and I know now that to say I need help is an understatement. You were the first human being to love Jesus and to be loved by him. I think I know now why Jesus brought me to you…
Now it’s your turn, Mary! Now it’s your turn to hear me say that I will throw out everything I thought I knew about you or have learned about you because much of that is NOT who you really are but my distortions or other people’s distortions of you. I know that we’ve already begun anew, because you have managed to reach out to me in spite of my many defences and without me having to become someone I am not. You are a most gracious and gentle lady. Thank you for waiting so patiently for me to open up. I am ready now, I think, to befriend you. :)
And if you don’t mind, I’d like to know who you are not just as ‘mother’, but as girl, woman, daughter, sister, friend, too. Perhaps one day I’d know what it is to truly love you… not because I’m expected to, but because I freely and joyfully do! Let’s both pray that this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship!
Your mother’s namesake (:P),
Ann
Journey of the Heart 