“My life is too comfortable.” The thought came to me today. My life is too comfortable for it to be good for me. And yet, I don’t feel like changing things. I don’t want to be uncomfortable. It seems to me that this prayer makes the most sense for me because I cannot do anything for myself:
Lord, do what You will;
Do what is needed to be done unto me,
Whatever is needed for me to be Yours totally and completely.
You see, I love Christ. But feebly.
I want to be a saint, but I am afraid of the suffering that must come.
I want to be holy, to be very intimate with God, but I have no strength of will to make the changes necessary.
I am afraid that I am just like the Rich Young Man, yet I am not confident that I can be otherwise.
Am I too lukewarm? Perhaps. But I am not indifferent, or else I wouldn’t be so unhappy.
At times I catch glimpses of grace lighting up the darkness in my soul. God exhorts me that I have too little faith; He reminds me that I must look not at my own self and get paralysed by discouragement, but look up at Him instead and see how deeply I am loved.
For the less worthy I am, the weaker, more sinful, the more altogether ‘hopeless’, the greater God’s love for me seems to be in comparison! The deeper the abyss, the greater the empty space to be filled by God’s grace and love. My sinfulness, my weakness, my inability to love are hard truths to behold without discouragement. But if I can only remember to look at myself through the lens of the Gospel, I would find that the same ugly things become a cause for celebration and praise because my utter spiritual poverty magnifies God’s love for me.
I hate that my flesh is weak. But may this weakness become another occasion for the power of God to be manifest. Amen. (Monday of Holy Week)