Existential Angst

Ever had the sense of belonging not quite where you thought you were supposed to belong? I’ve encountered such feelings before, and I don’t always pause to wonder why. Usually just because it’s too much of a headache to think about it or because I fear what the implication of those hunches might be. Lately it seems I’ve been encountering this sentiment more than usual.

I feel perpetually lodged between two worlds, at times travelling fluidly between them, at times uncomfortably wedged between them. Singapore vs. Toronto, OISE vs. non-OISE, philosophy vs. applied theory… never feeling like I fully belong in any one of them. Not quite anchored, not quite adrift.

It’s been a long while since I’ve been shaken out of my complacency, since I’ve had to question myself if I really know what I want to do with my life. Counterfactuals are a dangerous thing. Once a path is set, I hate to think ‘what if?’ Wishing something doesn’t mean it will happen that way though as I’ve lately been reminded. It’s humbling and unsettling how many important choices in my life can still be questioned and tested even after the fact.

My decision to choose the path of an academic in philosophy of education has lately been one such choice. More and more I find my mind coming ‘down from the clouds’ and my heart leaning more and more towards concrete educational practice. I can’t get myself excited about theories or theorists, which makes me feel rather like a lost sheep in my program of study. So unlike what any philosopher would say, I keep wanting to ask “yes, but how will that make a difference ?”

I wish to make a difference somehow. But how? Where? Have I chosen the path I ought to have chosen? Where will it lead? I’ve always hated uncertainty, as much as I’ve grown to accept it as a necessary part of living. Deep in my heart I know that I will always be asking these questions, as I should be. But as I walk further in the this journey we call life I find it takes more and more courage to ask those questions because more and more is at stake. For that reason, every decision needs to be renewed at times, every commitment affirmed or discarded lest I forget why I am where I am.

I need to return to the source of all my strength once again… and it does not lie in me.

“Let nothing trouble you,
Let nothing scare you,
All is fleeting,
God alone is unchanging.
Patience everything obtains.
Who possesses God nothing wants.
God alone suffices.” – St. Teresa of Avila

Categories: Uncategorized

2 replies »

  1. hey dear!

    i am on my holiday, and dont have time to read through this first. just wanna say HI! and see how u are doing.. :) hope things are going great… i’ll call u in singapore or something =) i’m in LA now… look forward to ur gift! hahaha. it’s not fancy, but u’ll like it!

    have fun in toronto… hugz!

    wanting

  2. Dear darling,
    Your are right to say that perhaps I am too busy to start a blog, but nothing stops me from leaving you some comments. Just want you to know that while I am not physically there to give you the support you need, I am always supporting you in spirit, and in love. I think it’s good that you’re going through this phase of self-discovery again. In fact, I think it’s important at this point in time. Perhaps God is asking for your attention again, as you are at the reflex point of your studies (since you’re going to clear all modules that require you to attend classes and will go full steam into your thesis). I am praying for you, and will continue to do so, that Jesus may be your light in this journey. Remember always that much as we do feel sometimes that we are lost in what we’re doing, Jesus as our guide in this life will never lose sight of what we are created to be. It’s a matter of us seeing the light that Jesus has placed ahead of us… Sometimes I do question myself on things too, but I always come back to the fact that much as I hate to be in limbo about things, it is necessary for us to ask fundamental questions about where we are going. Cos that’s the only way we can put in effort to align ourselves with God. Other times, we are just to busy with our friends, our loved ones and even ourselves to realise again that God is actually looking at us from above and seeing how we journey along this path, we call ‘life’. I thank God for this ‘pit-stop’ that He has provided for you, when most of your friends have left Toronto, and I am here in Singapore (busy at times with my work and stuff). This one-month will be a beautiful one for you, and I can sense that coming for you. Remember the times when you were ‘alone’ in Scarborough on your own, and Jesus was such a big part in your life? He has never left you, and He never will. It’s time you invited Him back into your daily life again, my dear, and I envy you for the opportunity that He has given you this time round. I can only fight to keep Him in my busy schedule at work. But most importantly, let’s help each other along in this journey, cos that’s the only reason why God has paired us up together, to support each other in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad. Let us continue to remind ourselves that the greatest secular problems cannot erode the beautiful mystery of His everlasting Love for us. And as I encourage my darling onwards, I also want to rediscover Jesus in daily morning mass. I’ve been wanting to keep to it for a long time, but the Spirit is willing but the Flesh is weak. Help me darling, to remind myself too of this journey I have to take with Him. Let’s continue to support each other spiritually and emotionally in this journey, till the day we are back in each others’ arms again. And when the day come for the Lord to call us bacak, let us be the ones to say “I’ve run the good race, with my darling, and I am ready to come home to Him”. I love you, always.

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