Have I lost faith in myself?

Last Tuesday night, I unexpectedly poured out my heart along with many tears to Zibin. I say unexpected because I had not been feeling particularly down. But we started talking right before bed, I shared a sentiment, he asked a question, and before you know it, BAM. Niagara Falls right in his apartment in Ithaca. *wry*

After 7 years together, he still amazes me with how well he understands me, and how wisely and lovingly he can guide me when I am lost. Before I spoke with him that night, I had not realized that I had begun to become overly bogged down with a critical view of myself. The personality flaws that I have previously not seen had somehow become so much of my focus and lament in recent months that my perspective of myself and of my world had become weighed down.

He said, “You cannot get rid of darkness no matter how hard you try if you’re focused on the darkness. Let light flood in, and the darkness will disappear on its own.” Somehow, recently, I’ve become so cautious of myself and of hurting others that I have forgotten and overlooked that my great capacity for affection and love is a God-given gift, and that it is actually something good. Without realizing, I had actually begun to see it as a liability both to myself and others.

The irony of it is that I often encourage people to build character positively, that is, by focusing on how they can do good, rather than negatively, by focusing on their flaws. But I had not realized that I too have allowed myself to slip into a swirl of negative energy. Words are indeed powerful. Truth can be spoken in many ways. When spoken positively it illuminates, gives hope, and spurs us forwards. When spoken negatively, it discourages and leaves us hopeless and helpless.

I am truly blessed that I’ve found someone who speaks truth with deep love and wisdom. I am blessed to have found someone who mediates God’s awesome love for me so wonderfully. I am blessed to be with someone who recognizes the gifts God has given me, and who believes in me so much that he will not let me neglect or dismiss the good there is in me.

In times like that, I feel that my God and my other-half work seamlessly to make known to me that I am beloved. :)

It’s funny how many things happen in our subconscious without our realizing it. Until this incident last week, I had not realized how much negativity I’d been carrying in my heart and mind even as I had been consciously striving to keep it from happening. Now that it’s been brought back into new focus for me, I’ll try more to remember… to let light flood in instead of trying to eradicate darkness by focusing on it. To keep loving, and not be afraid of making mistakes even as I learn with practice.

And at this moment, I feel comforted and deeply grateful to those who believe in me. Zibin’s not the only one whose love and faith in me give me renewed strength. I believe in you too, and in all the goodness and strength that is within you. We need only to learn how to reach deep and draw from the source. Don’t ever let darkness overwhelm you… and I hope that in your lives, there will always be someone who reminds you that there is a light in you. May you let it shine brightly! :)

Follow your heart
Let your love lead through the darkness
Back to a place you once knew
I believe, I believe, I believe
In you

Follow your dreams
Be yourself, an angel of kindness
There’s nothing that you can not do
I believe, I believe, I believe
In you.

– “I Believe In You” by Il Divo & Celine Dion


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