After Tears

Hi. My name is Ann Yeong. I’m 28 years old. And… I don’t know what the heck I’m doing. :)

Ok, so that was a bit of an exaggeration. But it’s so darned true that I don’t have it all together. And it seems that most of the time I’m so busy denying that I don’t have it all together that even when I’m explicitly trying to figure things out, I still get surprised by how much I’ve repressed.

For quite a long time now I’ve lacked motivation in my studies. How long? *muses* I think maybe about 2 years… but although I was conscious of it, I kept ignoring it. Just tried to keep at it, without really knowing why… except that I was already in the middle of it… I should finish something I started… right?

Sometimes I surprise myself at how badly I follow my own advice. So often I’ve counseled friends to listen to their heart, to dare to confront the questions and doubts they have… but me, I’m hunkered behind ‘safe’ walls myself. Although I had doubts, I never ventured to really question myself. Never tried finding out what doubts I had or why I had them. I just kept forcing myself to go on even though slowly but surely I was losing steam.

For a few weeks now I’ve tried to ask the questions I should have asked a long time ago. Quietly though… I hadn’t found the courage to give voice to my doubts even to myself, let alone to any other living soul. Tonight, things finally came out into the open – I voiced my doubts to myself, to my mom, and to Zibin. Should I continue pursuing my studies?

My research interests have taken such a sharp turn since I began my program that, well, it seems what I want to do now is of a different discipline totally! There’s so much I need to know of which I know nothing… and it almost seems that all I’ve been reading about in my earlier studies have little to do with what I want to do now.

Tonight I had to face that interesting question again: what do I really want to do? And you know what? I don’t know! It’s not that I think I have nothing to offer, but I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with what I’m able to do well. And I don’t even know if what I’m able to do well is supposed to be what I should do. :P Ah yes, the familiar angst… alive and well!

Despite the tears of frustration shed this evening, I am truly o.k. It helps that I’ve come to realize in recent months that it’s perfectly ok not to know what I’m doing in terms of the ‘big picture’. To be faithful in little things has always been the biggest challenge for me. I’m impatient. I’m a control freak. I hate it when I don’t know where things are heading and so often I wish I knew everything.

And yet, although my reflections tonight were about how little I knew about what I am doing, I know how far I’ve come to be able to face it this calmly. (It helps of course that I have supportive family members.) Perhaps even more significant is how much more I’ve progressed and learned about myself and my journey just from tonight’s conversations and reflection.

I thought I would need to know the exact goal in order to find meaning in what I do now. I am beginning to think differently.

So… yes, I can proudly declare that I still don’t know what I’m ‘doing’. But I know I’m still going to find joy in my journey because Christ lives in me! :D