Having a trust broken is one of the most painful experiences. I’m sure we’ve all been on both sides of the fence – of the one breaking the trust, as well as the one being deceived. How do we react? How do we deal with it?
When we’re the one being deceived, righteous indignation, hurt and anger come quite naturally. But how often do we stop and reflect on why our loved one deceived us?
It takes a truly humble and courageous spirit to look beyond the fault of the other and ask God to reveal to us our own faults that may have contributed to our deception, and to ask God for the grace to love and trust the other again.
I am pleased to share here the beautiful thoughts of a friend and fellow voyager in life and faith. I could not help but see from her writing that this is a person who is sincerely striving to love as God loves and who is willing, even whilst hurt, to take the lower place.
Thank you, Vee. Your example has stirred and encouraged me more than you know!
Trust, Time, Love – by Ivy Toh
Broken trust takes not only time, but love to heal.
I read somewhere that where there’s deception in a relationship, the relationship cannot proceed because it does not exist anymore since future interactions have been built on a lie. If you found out a person lied once, how do u know he hasn’t told u any other lies? How then, would you know where the lies started, and where it would end?
but what happens when the deception came because the person was fearful of rejection of the other party if the truth be told?
the deception is still not justified, no deception is. But perhaps, the person deceived needs to analyse why someone they love would think they’d be rejected by him if truth was told.
For the deceiver, the right thing to do is clear. Seek forgiveness sincerely, from God and from the one deceived. Repent and choose not to walk in deception again. Choose not to deceive, whatever you may fear, for the fear may be unfounded if you actually face it.
For the person being deceived, what is the most loving thing to do? To forgive, yes.. because the Lord first forgave you.. that is the very least that you can do. I’ve heard someone say this before (not from the bible), that “you can forgive a person, but not trust them if the person breaks your trust.” In the case of people who have been physically assaulted by others, that must run true. People that have been beaten by their spouses or relatives, should not need to trust that person again in not hurting them physically and remain in a vulnerable position, until the perpetrator has taken active steps to recovery. Also for those who deceive with true deceit, to hurt, to connive, for selfish gains, a broken trust must be earned once again.
But where the deception and hence broken trust, came out of the fear of being unloved and rejected, the solution then, is NOT to make into reality what was feared — To not, reject, to not remove your love from the person. Perhaps, there is a more excellent way. “Love always trusts, always protects, always hopes, always perseveres.”
After accepting their apology, to trust they have learnt from their lesson, to protect the person’s dignity, to hope in the best of that person and then if they fail again because of a fear of love lost, to persevere until the person comes to experience the perfect love that drives out all fear. yes, to trust them again.
But yes, it’s going to take time.. and much, much love.
Thank you GOD, for always choosing to trust, protect, hope and perservere in that when we fail you time and time again. I don’t know how You do it, teach and help me to love as You do.