Self-doubt

I’m not shy. But I am riddled with fear and self-doubt. Most of these are simmering below the level of my conscious awareness such that they escape my notice. But they affect the way I live… the choices I make and fail to make. They are the limiting factors that I have set on myself.

Of what am I afraid? Why do I not just step out and do it?

1. I am afraid of failure. Not just because of my ego but because of the ramifications on others. If I act, I will make mistakes along with the good I can do. What if those mistakes hurt others badly? This has happened before and it has enhanced my awareness of the responsibility I have when I get involved with other people’s lives. The line between caution and cowardice is very thin.

2. I am afraid I will become proud. I’m not exactly a wallflower. I get noticed. If I go all out, I am quite sure I will get noticed even more. Attention can get to my head. I’ve seen what it can do in other people… people with great gifts who forget who they are. I know that pride is a weakness of mine.

3. I am afraid of rejection. I have a very thin hide. What other people think matters to me. A lot. God has been transforming me in this area from the inside out, and the change is real. But I still doubt if I am strong enough to speak without inhibitions. Will I be strong enough to be controversial? Criticized? Misunderstood? Attacked?

I don’t do things by halves. I am a woman of passion. Ever since my childhood I have known that the fire within me was difficult to contain or control. I am beginning to think that all that fire is meant to be channeled somewhere. That it is time to let it free.

I am a maverick. My anxieties make me play it safe, but my heart longs to break free and wreak havoc in wonderful ways. I want to blaze new trails, to light fires in cold hearts. I want to encourage, to comfort, to inspire. I want to change the world through every person I meet.

Yet, there is so much brokenness in my life. I am afraid my dreams are too grand for me. The stakes are too high. What if I mess it up?

***********
Lord, I am such a chicken-hearted worry-wart. So many times you have shown me your power and love – but still I doubt, and still I am anxious. Nonetheless, I know that it is all part of the process of becoming more like YOU.

Thank you for leading me in this journey of self-discovery. My joy is increased, not decreased, by my anxieties because I realize that I still trust you. Do whatever you wish, Lord. My answer is still “YES!”

Give me courage, honesty and genuine humility. Open my eyes and my heart to the gifts you have bestowed on me and give me the graciousness to receive them and to use them for your glory.

Amen.

Categories: Faith & Spiritual

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