We are 8 years into our marriage now. Are we happy? Yes. Are we contented? No.
We are happy because we are indeed deeply loved by God and each other and we are rich in the love of family and friends. We are filled with gratitude every night when we do our examen of consciousness. But we are not contented. Not even close.
We are not content because we are not yet able to give God the love he deserves. We love him, yes, but we don’t yet love him with all our hearts and souls and might.
We are not content because we are not yet able to live more simply and to give more generously to the poor. We give, yes. We simplify, yes. But not enough. Our desire for security and attachment to comfort is still very strong. Therefore, we are not content.
We are not content because we find that our lives still revolve so much around ourselves – our needs, our wants, our hopes, our dreams. Yes, we know there is nothing wrong in being concerned about all these, but we long for the day when our love is so merged with God’s that our lives will revolve around His dreams and hopes and the needs and wants of our neighbours. That day is still very far away! We are reminded often by our limitations of how self-absorbed we still are.
We are not content because we still mostly live out from our false selves. We are getting more glimpses these days of our true selves, but more often than we would like, we find ourselves still in the grip of insecurities and fears instead of living fearlessly from our identities as God’s beloveds.
But don’t get me wrong. We are very grateful for these discontents! For they are what continue to point us to our True North and prevent us from getting lost in the world. If not for these discontents, we would end up living solely for our own pleasures and become increasingly unhappier as the years roll by. We would not know the joy of entering more deeply into the life of Christ. It is an incredible blessing to have a spouse who wants your first allegiance and fidelity to belong to God. We want this for each other, but we are still on the way to becoming that spouse for each other in practice.
It is not easy to say to God, “Your will be done” and mean it. But I believe that it is this prayer that has guided our marriage from its very first day. We knew from the start that there could be no other way. It will take a life-time for us to learn to live this prayer out with skill and grace, but we couldn’t ask for a better team-mate than the one we have in each other.
To our family and friends, we thank you for your love and prayers throughout the years. We hope you will continue to pray for us that we will always be faithful to God; that we will let God have his way with us, and that we will always rejoice in Him!
I will place my law within them, and write it upon their hearts;
I will be their God, and they shall be my people.
No longer will they have need to teach their friends and relatives how to know the Lord.
All, from least to greatest, shall know me, says the Lord.
– Jer 31:33-34