The cry of an unfaithful heart

I am attacked from all directions.

I feel old compulsions and knee-jerk reactions stir to life within me. TV bingeing, tech-bingeing – all of it. I am not at peace, and I am cooperating with them to make me miserable. All my appetites are out of whack and my old insecurities are pinching at me, making me feel more unstable and more compulsive.

Yet through all this turmoil, in the midst of this storm that rages against the serenity of my soul, GOD IS. And GOD LOVES ME. He loves me in my compulsiveness and my distraction. He holds me gently, but firmly. He holds me allowingly. 

I call out to God to come to my aid, for I am weak and fallen. And God does come to my aid – not by fixing what is wrong with me (or what I perceive to be wrong with me) but by re-affirming his love for me – by bathing my dissipated, scattered heart with unmerited, unconditional love.

It is LOVE that will save me. You see, the root of all my compulsions, insecurities, and sinfulness is precisely a lack of interior conviction of my belovedness. I cannot save myself. In fact I do not even wish to, anymore.

Lord, I come to you as I am. Weak. Ashamed. Laughable. But in your eyes I see no condemnation, no mockery or judgment. You know even better than I the wounds I bear. You love me. That is what will save me, and what will ultimately transform me into the joyful, whole-hearted person I was created to be.