“Giving something up” during Lent this season feels rather empty and meaningless to me. Instead I feel that I need to get in touch with the restless hunger in my soul in a different way. Through being present to the disconnect I experience in things both “sacred” and “profane”. By sitting mutely in petulant surrender before God, noting how I am simultaneously pushing him away and asking for his help, and gently accepting this division within me as my current state – the state of being a loved sinner.
There has been an increasing need to let the question bubbling up from within me surface – “What does it all mean?” Questioning everything, wanting to believe, rejecting any fearful need to believe, and yearning to believe because of love.
Wanting to be lost, wanting to be found… wanting to be both lost AND found in the same instant. To wander far beyond any familiar terrain and yet to find I am home in ways beyond anything I could expect. Bewildered and bewildering; laughing and crying; restless and resting… all of this in the company of almighty God who sees me, loves me, and transforms me in spite of myself.