When there is a truth we have buried deep inside us because it is too painful to acknowledge, it becomes an impediment to healing. And if we really decide to follow Christ, there will be times when He calls forth from the grave those forgotten parts of us – those parts we have exiled because we could not acknowledge their needs without feeling despair.
These emotions can be from very young parts of ourselves – and when they surge to the surface they emerge with all the purity and clarity of young children.
When those long forgotten emotions come to the surface, it can feel soul shattering. These emotions can be from very young parts of ourselves – and when they surge to the surface they emerge with all the purity and clarity of young children. Young children whose needs are so simple, so pure, so direct. Young children who lay their hearts bare before the very ones who often trample them and yet can say with all their hearts, “I forgive you. I love you.”
I had an intimate encounter recently with such a part of myself. She expressed to me an emotion that I thought had died within me. It was an emotion that had became too vulnerable for myself to acknowledge very early on in my childhood. I thought my feelings had changed. I thought these emotions had gone away. I had completely forgotten all about it.
I remembered how it felt to – more than anything in the world – to just want to be in a circle of love with my parents. To want to see and be seen, to hold and be held, and to know and feel that the two people I loved most in the world – Mum & Dad – were happy.
Then the other day she surfaced into my consciousness. And she didn’t tell me her feelings through a thought – she let me FEEL her emotions as clear as day. All of a sudden I remembered. I remembered how it felt to – more than anything in the world – to just want to be in a circle of love with my parents. To want to see and be seen, to hold and be held, and to know and feel that the two people I loved most in the world – Mum & Dad – were happy. That very young child had not yet met the ways of the world or been disillusioned and wounded by sin. She had not yet experienced having her heart broken or learned to wear masks to protect herself.
She revealed herself to me that other day, and her emergence shattered another layer of self-protection I had not realised I had. I had for so long kept her hidden and buried because I could not bear this defenceless little one to be hurt. And even with all the years of inner healing I have gone through, this very young and vulnerable part had still remained hidden. Until now. And here’s the thing – she did not emerge alone.
Then in the eye of my heart I saw them coming towards me, my shining inner child with her hand held by an Ancient and Ageless One.
I had been weeping when those emotions surfaced, grieving how these emotions have been thwarted by life’s conditions and how my inner child’s yearning could never be satisfied. Then in the eye of my heart I saw them coming towards me, my shining inner child with her hand held by an Ancient and Ageless One. And my little one revealed that her heart still feels all those vulnerable emotions, that she has not given up hope. And the Ancient and Ageless One stretched out his other hand to me and said, “What human beings cannot repair, I can and will repair. I will mend your heart and make it stronger than it was even before it was broken.”
Suddenly a veil lifted and I caught a glimpse of new hope. A hope that God can make it possible for me to love with a capacity beyond what I have known all my life. A hope that I could eventually love freely and joyfully in what to me in the present moment are circumstances too far beyond my ability. That hope was birthed from a resurrection and a promise – the re-emergence of a desire and a love that had been hidden but remained steadfast; and the promise of the Ancient and Ageless One that he will make the impossible possible.
I believe.
Journey of the Heart 