We All Have a “Bruno”
A friend recently expressed surprise that Encanto’s “We Don’t Talk About Bruno” has surpassed Frozen’s “Let It Go” in popularity. In fact, it recently hit #1 on Billboard’s Hot 100 chart – a feat that hasn’t been accomplished by any song from an animated Disney feature since “A Whole New World” from Aladdin way back in 1993. (Not even Frozen’s “Let It Go” managed to get there.) (Reference: https://www.comingsoon.net/movies/features/1210295-why-everyone-is-talking-about-encantos-we-dont-talk-about-bruno)
I have my own theory about the popularity of such songs. It isn’t just the catchy melody – these songs speak something that is TRUE about our reality, about our hearts. They express what we would like to but often fail to, either because we cannot find the words or – in the case of “We Don’t Talk About Bruno” – we do not feel we are allowed to.
We all have a “Bruno” in our families – heck even in our communities and our churches. There is something or someone we don’t ever talk about because he/she/it reflects poorly on us as a family. There is a “black sheep” (person or event or string of events) that threatens the illusion we wish to keep about ourselves and our communities.
We all have a “Bruno” in our families – heck even in our communities and our churches. There is something or someone we don’t ever talk about because he/she/it reflects poorly on us as a family. There is a “black sheep” (person or event or string of events) that threatens the illusion we wish to keep about ourselves and our communities.
The Trauma of Not Being Allowed to Speak About Bruno
I believe that something ruptures within us when we are not allowed to speak of “Bruno”.
I have been learning more about trauma and how trauma isn’t so much the painful event itself – trauma is what happens to us when we have to be alone with our pain. We are traumatised when we have no one to hold us as we process our pain because if there were safe spaces for us to do so, we would be able to work through the pain and heal.
Trauma isn’t so much the painful event itself – trauma is what happens to us when we have to be alone with our pain. We are traumatised when we have no one to hold us as we process our pain because if there were safe spaces for us to do so, we would be able to work through the pain and heal.
When we are not allowed to talk about “Bruno”, something festers inside of us. This is particularly the case when we are young, and when we depend on our elders and parents to show us that it is OK to talk about death, illness, betrayal, loss etc.
What happens when we keep things secret? When nobody talks about the elephant in the room? We end up living double-lives and we lose integrity and authenticity. It isn’t even about what others think of us – but WE OURSELVES lose our sense of self. Isn’t that tragic?
And then someday, somehow, no matter how hard we try to avoid dealing with or talking about “Bruno”, it will blow up in our faces. Or we who have been holding trauma within us while denying it will pass on that pain to another generation.
Not talking about what’s happening doesn’t make it go away. Not offering safe spaces for people to deal with their pain will only lead to greater collective trauma.
Not talking about what’s happening doesn’t make it go away. Not offering safe spaces for people to deal with their pain will only lead to greater collective trauma. So what can you and I do? I’d say we can begin by seeking a safe space for ourselves to grieve together, to rage together, to hold one another.
Sometimes the people/community we wish to be able to do this with are not ready and we cannot force them to be ready. Then we seek out someone who can hold space for us SAFELY. A trusted spiritual companion. A spiritual director. A therapist/counsellor. But the one compassionate thing we can do for ourselves is to not remain alone with our racing thoughts and battered hearts.
[SPOILER ALERT]
If you watch Encanto, you’ll know that not talking about Bruno isn’t going to prevent the collapse of the family/home/community we try to protect with toxic positivity (where we only focus on what’s good and refuse to acknowledge the harm/shadow/sin).
[SPOILER ALERT ENDS}
The “Bruno” in Singapore’s Catholic Church (at the moment)
I am struggling too. I have been having more sleepless nights in the past couple of weeks. Recently I woke with a tightness in my chest and I realised it was anger. Anger that there has come to be yet another “Bruno” in my life that can’t be spoken. Heartbreaking news had hit the local headlines (Article: Prominent figure in Singapore’s Catholic community charged with sexual offences against teenage boys) in late January which impact the Catholic community in Singapore to which I belong and there has been absolute silence about it from the Church. [UPDATE 5 May 2020: Prominent figure in Catholic community jailed 5 years for sex offences against 2 teenage boys and Archbishop William Goh’s Pastoral Letter on Seeking God’s Merciful Healing And Vigilance in Protecting Our Young]
There are people in shock. There are people hurting badly. There are people waiting for and hoping for words of comfort and guidance from our leaders. There are people demanding accountability. There are people grieving.
Privately I know that there are people in shock. There are people hurting badly. There are people waiting for and hoping for words of comfort and guidance from our leaders. There are people demanding accountability. There are people grieving.
BUT – the pervading silence around this topic is so thick that it feels wrong to speak openly about how we feel regarding this news – even in private. It seems that people feel they need to try and process the impact of this news in their life ALONE. The message – intended or not – seems clear: WE DON’T TALK ABOUT BRUNO.
Remember – trauma is what happens to us when we are left ALONE in our pain.
Resources for Processing & Catharsis
If you are someone who are impacted by this event and you are afraid to talk about it, please find a safe space to do so. The gag order that is imposed by the court only means the identity of the person involved cannot be revealed – but it does not mean that we cannot speak about our grief, our anger, our disappointment etc to one another. It does not mean we cannot comfort one another or pray for justice and mercy for all.
Here are some suggestions and resources that you may find helpful:
1. To Help You Identify Your Emotions
Sometimes we can be stuck even at the point of knowing how we actually feel about things. An emotion wheel can be very helpful to help us identify and connect with our true feelings at a more granular level.
This Human Systems Emotion Wheel (especially the one for Negative Emotions/Affect) helps me and maybe it will help you too: https://humansystems.co/emotionwheels/https://humansystems.co/emotionwheels/
2. A Safe Online Community to Process Difficult Emotions in Solidarity with One Another
I have created an online space where there are guiding prompts to help you process and be held in solidarity with others who are hurting. You can participate while keeping anonymity – as long as you abide by the guidelines. You can check it out HERE.
3.Video: Authenticity & Integrity in Times of Scandal
How do we maintain our course towards greater authenticity and integrity when our Church is rocked by scandal? In this video I talk about how important it is to acknowledge and include our emotions in our response instead of denying, repressing, or bypassing them.
I also share some tips and resources that can help with processing our complex thoughts and emotions in these challenging times. Resources mentioned in this video can be found at: https://www.integroformation.com/hurting-catholics
Journey of the Heart 