Solitude

Most of the time I can be alone, and comfortable, and I can even listen to the most plaintive music there is and be ok. But sometimes when I’m alone, the emptiness around me becomes palpable and the silence is almost tangible. At such times, it’s so hard to find the ‘right’ music to play because jaunty tunes sound too loud and quiet ones seem to amplify the emptiness around me. At such times, I feel as if my soul is almost stripped bare and my emotional endurance stretched thin. It’s almost like a hidden well of sorrow within me suddenly bubbles forth, and all my usual energy is suddenly overwhelmed by this flashflood of tear-inducing unnamed emotion. I can’t put a finger to what puts me into such a mood… take today for example…it was all fine and dandy until about 6p.m. when it began… I was tired, but couldn’t sleep…I ate dinner, but it was mechanical, I tried working and couldn’t concentrate. All of a sudden, I felt alone…and the same music I’d been playing earlier today suddenly seemed too haunting. Fortunately, I was spared from prolonged agony…Wanting and Calvin returned from dinner. And though they’re in the living room watching T.V., and I’m in my room at my computer, I feel oddly comforted by their mere presence in the apartment. Maybe now I can return to my work…knowing that I can pop out of my room anytime to get some human interaction :P

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