Looking at some of the responses I’ve been receiving on my blog and through email, I thought I should make a post specially to assure everyone who is concerned about me that I’m alright. :) Now, now, don’t scoff… I’m not putting you on…I’m not saying that everything in my life is sunshine and roses. If you’ve been reading my recent posts, you’d know that when I say that I’m alright, I mean that I am alright whether or not the sun is out.
I am touched by the encouragement and faith that have been shown me even when I felt I haven’t shown proof of my strength. To those who never doubted my resilience and love when I was too confused and hurt to show my strength, ‘thank you’ isn’t enough for what your faith has done for me. I feel simultaneously humbled and ennobled by your love.
Several people have during this time expressed the sentiment that this period would have been easier for me if I had been in Singapore. I agree. Ultimately though, there was always an important element of this journey that I needed to make on my own. I have found that keeping busy or finding distractions may dull the ache, but do nothing for me. There is an internal process of healing and learning that I needed to undergo…alone. For that reason, I am grateful that God in His wisdom saw fit for me to have this point of my journey in Toronto, away from the busy-ness and comfort of family that Singapore affords. It hasn’t been easy, but really, He knows what He’s doing. Besides, I was never really alone in Toronto either. :)
These past few days have been a wonderful time of quiet and healing for me. I am starting to feel strong again, rather than just knowing that I am. And I don’t wish to disappoint those of you who wish to see the ‘old’ Ann back, but that’s not possible. *smile* That’s a good thing! You wouldn’t want me to go through such an arduous journey for nothing, would you? *laughs*
I’ll always be the same me. But I hope that as I grow older and take up the various crosses that life has to offer me, I will become a fuller and brighter version of myself. This I promise you: I will never back down. I will always go forwards. I will fight every step of the way to be faithful to God and to myself. Mistakes I will make because of my limitations, but I am a quick learner, and I rarely make the same mistake twice once I have truly internalized the lesson.
The lesson of my life is LOVE. I am still learning what that truly is…and learning how to make myself a better instrument of God’s love. I am very little, but I can love much. I always have loved much. Now I know that is not sufficient. I need to learn how to love well. This lesson will take the rest of my life, but it is one I am committed to learn. This is not just for my own sake, but for the sakes of all those I love. All of you deserve to be loved better by me. It is as much for you as it is for myself that I am determined that none of my growing pains will be in vain.
The road is still long, and I know I will still make mistakes. But wait and see. Somehow I’ll make you proud of me. Whether as a wife, a daughter, a sister or a friend… you deserve to be loved by a better Ann. God willing, you will.
For those who are concerned about my nutrition and sleep, please don’t worry. The fact that I dare to blog anything that implies I haven’t been eating well means that I have already begun to eat better. :P As for sleep, well, that part has always been harder for me… but I’ve been getting a steady 5-7 hrs every night for the past week. And last night, I hit the sack at 9p.m. and got almost 10 hrs. And Mom, I promise I’ll drink vit C and lots of water…