One night 10 years ago, I was unable to fall asleep. After tossing and turning a while, I started thinking of the different portraits I’ve seen of Jesus. Jesus as the Good Shepherd. Jesus knocking on the door with no knob. Jesus praying at Gethsemene. Then, quite conversationally, I silently thought, “Lord, do you know how much I need You?”
Quick as lightning, a responding thought dawned in my mind, “The question is, do you know how much you need me?”
Suddenly alert, I sat up in bed and continued thinking silently. It was a difficult period of time I was going through, both at home and in school. I brooded a little, thinking about the tough week I’ve been having.
All of a sudden, as if in response to my thoughts, a ‘slide-show’ of random moments from the past week flashed in my mind. Including a walk I took with my maid to go to the minimart at the clubhouse, and how out of the blue, she had suddenly taken my hand and held it as we walked. Another flashback was me walking out of St. Nicks with my prefect mistress. I had to take quite a long walk to a particular bus-stop. She was going to flag a taxi and could have stopped anytime, but we were talking and she ended up walking to the same bus-stop as I was.
There were other little scenes, all of which had been insignificant and which I had forgotten. Then a clear thought dawned in my mind, “My child, that was Me loving you.” A dam in me burst right then, for the understanding came that God was clearly telling me that though I’ve been having such a miserable week, He was always right there, loving me in ways that I did not realize.
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These days I’m not feeling particularly sad, although there are many things going on in my life that tempt me to be anxious and to worry. I have to remind myself daily what it is I have to do, and what it means to put my trust in God.
This morning, out of the blue, I received an unexplained and unexpected gesture of affection. I don’t know why, but I felt especially touched and grateful for it. Even after it was over, the warmth of the experience continued to reverberate through me. And all at once, I felt immensely loved. Not just by the person in question, but in a transcendental, existential kind of way. And I felt as if, for some wonderful reason, God was reminding me that He’s here with me, and that He loves me.
To the little burst of sunshine who started my day off on such a warm note, “Thank you.” *hugs* :)
Journey of the Heart 