Saturday had been the Alpha ‘weekend away’ on the Holy Spirit, and the service team had both received the laying of hands and had also ministered to the Alpha guests. I had been prayed over twice in the last 10 days and both times, long forgotten memories (ranging from infancy to teen years) had surfaced for healing. Though these memories were not shocking, I was deeply touched that God would care so much as to revisit those old forgotten wounds with me, some of which I have never realized were wounds, and to invite me to allow Him to heal me.
I now know that the deep sense of anxiety in my being – the fear of being abandoned and rejected and a strong feeling of unlovableness- is so deep because it had been with me from very early childhood. In those moments of healing, I felt Christ with me when I was in my mother’s womb, telling me, “I want you. I chose you. I love you.” Over and over again during the first session of healing, I heard in my heart my Beloved saying, “You are mine. You are mine and no one else’s. I love you. I love you. I love you. You are mine… I love you.” These words kept pouring into my heart until I could feel my heart burst with fullness from the love. The joy over-flowed and I was filled with ecstasy – for could it actually be possible to contain such love?!?! Could it be possible that I am so desired and cherished and loved?!?!
As I continue to bare my soul to God, he reaches down and heals me ever more deeply. I know he is preparing me, healing me, so that I can suffer even more for him and those he loves. What greater joy is there than to let Jesus hold my hand? What greater honour is there than to be invited to follow him in his mission of redemption?
During mass yesterday (5th Sunday of Easter), I received a new insight into the miracle of the five loaves and two fishes. I am one of those pitiful little loaves. What use can I be, so small and insignificant, when a multitude is hungry? But if I am willing to be put into the hands of Christ, and if I am willing to be broken by him, I can be used by my Lord to feed his people till they are full, and there would still be more of me left over!
Flawed, broken, and little that I am, the Lord of the Universe loves me and has made me His princess! For does not God rain his love down on the glorious roses and the humble mimosa alike? Does not every blade of grass soak up God’s love in the morning dew? How can I not also rejoice in the Almighty’s love with my brothers and sisters in creation?!
God loves me. He wants me. He chose me. It is in him that I live and move and have my being. It is for him and him alone that I live.
Have mercy on me Lord, for my weakness and lack of charity. Sometimes it is so difficult to do the loving thing. But I know you will be patient with me. Help me to keep my gaze focused on your beautiful face, and help me please to see you in every brother and sister you put into my life. Amen.